Tattyfilarious: 17 of Ken Dodd’s best gags


The comedy of ” the legend of Sir Ken Dodd, who has died at the age of 90 years, was the irrepressible master of the rapid-fire coatings, which left audiences in stitches. Here are some of his best:

1. “My dad knew that I was going to be a comedian. When I was a baby, he said, ‘Is this a joke?'”

2. “I love my girlfriend, my girlfriend loves me. She loves my hair, she loves my eyes, she loves my teeth. She loves my teeth because I am the only person who can peel an orange through a tennis racket.”

3. “I have not spoken with my mother-in-law 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt.”

4. “My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the rest of the night, saying, ‘Well, that taught me a lesson.'”

5. “The man who invented cats eyes got the idea when he saw the cat’s eyes in your headlights. If the cat had gone the other way, he would have invented the pencil sharpener.”

6. In his famous tax fraud trial: “I told the Inland Revenue I did not owe them a penny because I lived near the beach.”

7. In his marathon live shows: “You think you can get away, but you can’t. I’m going to follow you home and I’m going to shout jokes through your mailbox.”


8. “I don’t believe in safe sex? Of course, yes. I’ve got a handrail around the bed.”

9. “I am a sex symbol – I’m a sex symbol to women that they don’t care.”

10. “I have to do all the exercises every morning in front of the television – up, down, up, down, up, down. Then the other eyelid.”

11. “I did 25 minutes on the act this morning – I had my keys stuck in the railing.”

12. At the Royal variety Performance: “This hearing this evening represents the creme de la creme. That is the French for the evaporated milk.”

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13. As he approached his 80th birthday: “Age does not matter, unless you are a cheese.”

14. “Would any of us in our wildest dreams we never thought we’d live long enough to see the end of the DFS sale?”

15. “I wanted to take the dog to obedience class, but would not go.”

16. “Did you hear about the shrimp that went to the prawn’s cocktail party? He pulled a mussel.”

17. “So it turns out that if you bang two halves of a horse together, not make the sound of a coconut.”

Read more:
The comedy of ” the legend of Sir Ken Dodd dies, age 90
Obituary: Ken Dodd
In pictures: Sir Ken Dodd
Ken Dodd: don’t call me eccentric

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